Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR31-40/hum033

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Date:         Sun, 6 Mar 1994 05:58:28 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00033"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR LOG #33
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 09:20:29 -0500
From:         Uwgb Bbs System <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Gay joke

Q. What do you call a poof in Jurassic Park?
A. MegaSoreAss
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 10:09:00 CDT
From:         Scott Nicholson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Help...

I am the "computer jockey" at our small office.  I am attempting to
bring them up to the 80's and teach them about computers a little
every week in our staff meeting.
   I try to do it with some humor, and am running out of ideas.

  I'm looking for some humourous ways to present computer stuff...

   Any suggestions?
                       [e-mail]
       aka Scott Nicholson
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 16:06:44 +0100
From:         Bhushan Lakhe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Strange news....

>This was apparently adapted from a real wire story about...
>
>
>>
>>News Flash:
>>
>>Redwood City, CA (API) -- A tense stand-off entered its third week
>>today as authorities reported no progress in negotiations with
>>charismatic cult leader Steve Jobs.
>>
>>Negotiators are uncertain of the situation inside the compound, but
>>some reports suggest that half of the hundreds of followers inside
>>have been terminated.  Others claim to be staying of their own free
>>will, but Jobs' persuasive manner makes this hard to confirm.
>>
>>In conversations with authorities, Jobs has given conflicting
>>information on how heavily prepared the group is for war with the
>>industry.  At times, he has claimed to "have hardware which will blow
>>anything else away", while more recently he claims they have stopped
>>manufacturing their own.
>>
>>Agents from the ATF (Apple-Taligent Forces) believe that the group is
>>equipped with serious hardware, including 486-caliber pieces and
>>possibly Canon equipment.
>>The siege has attracted a variety of spectators, from the curious to
>>other cultists.  Some have offered to intercede in negotiations,
>>including a young man who will identify himself only as "Bill" and
>>claims to be the "MS-iah".
>>
>>Former members of the cult, some only recently deprogrammed, speak
>>hesitantly of their former lives, including being forced to work
>>20-hour days, and subsisting on Jolt and Twinkies.  There were
>>frequent lectures in which they were indoctrinated into a theory of
>>"interpersonal computing" which rejects traditional roles.
>>
>>Late-night vigils on Chesapeake Drive are taking their toll on
>>federal marshals.  Loud rock and roll, mostly Talking Heads, blares
>>throughout the night.  Some fear that Jobs will fulfill his own
>>apocalyptic prophecies, a worry reinforced when the loudspeakers
>>carry Jobs' own speeches -- typically beginning with a chilling "I
>>want to welcome you to the 'Next World' ".
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 08:53:18 PDT
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Re: Strange news....

Re: Canon equipment - would that be 35mm rangefinder or single lens reflex?
Long telephoto lenses?  Maybe a copier?
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 17:45:50 +0100
From:         Giuliano Peritore <[e-mail]>
Subject:      really hard sex joke

This one is really disgusting, but generally people likes it and it is
widely spread, so I decided to report it here.  Text follows...


One night one man is wandering in a city and decides to go to the brothel.
When arrived there he asks for a girl and goes in the bedroom.  The girl
switches the lights off, unzips the man's zip, and begins to suck.  While
being sucked the man ears the girl singing a lyric opera so he gets stuck
and as soon as possible he turn lights back on to see what's happening,
but the girl has just finished and doesn't want to talk about the fact.

The day after the man decides to investigate, so he goes to the brothel
and asks for the same girl.  The story too is the same.  The girl switches
lights off, begins to suck and begins to sing very well a lyric opera.
The
man rushes to turn on the lights on but it is out of time this time too.

The next day the man is really hungry and curious so he decides to put
an end to this story.  He goes to the brothel and asks for the girl,
but when he goes on the bed he puts in his hand the switch of the bedside
lamp.  The light is off, the girl is sucking very well and after some
time begins to sing.  At this point the man looks toward the bedside
table,
turns the light on and sees... the girl's glass eye...


<not signed>
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 14:55:46 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The glass eye joke
Reminds me of a really old joke about the guy who was forced to accept the
oldest crone in the brothel.

the punch line is:

Come on back any time, sonny, I'll keep an eye out for ya'!
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 15:54:07 EDT
From:         John Chick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      redneck joke - offensive to rednecks who drink beer and dip

This is probably old, but I just heard it recently.

Q.  What do rednecks serve for as a 7-course meal?

A.  A 6-pack and a can of skoal!

Does anyone know of any variations on this theme?
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 16:24:44 EDT
From:         Guy Montgomery <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: redneck joke

The way I heard it was that a redneck 7-course meal was a six pack and a
possum.
===========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 16:30:57 -0500
From:         Michael Leavy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OFFENSIVE TO WOMEN

        25 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

        1. You can enjoy a beer anytime of the month.
        2. Beer stains wash out.
        3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
        4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while
           you play football with the guys.
        5. When a beer is flat you toss it out.
        6. Beer is never late.
------> 7. HANGOVERS GO AWAY!
        8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
        9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
       10. When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
       11. Beer never has a headache.
       12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.
       13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer
           on your breath.
       14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
       15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
       16. A beer always goes down easy.
       17. You can share a beer with your friends.
       18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
       19. Beer is always wet.
       20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
       21. You can have a beer in public.
       22. A beer doesn't care when you cum.
       23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
       24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
       25. If you change beers, you won't have to pay alimony.
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 14:46:14 PST
Comments:     HW1      DGREEN   09/28/93 14:46:49 HW1SMTP
From:         Derrick Green <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ancient Joke

      PROFS:HW1(DGREEN)        Internet:[e-mail]


Q: If two wrongs make a right, what do two rights make?
A: An airplane.  (Orville & Wilbur, for State of California employees)
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 16:53:10 CDT
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pun

what do you call it when you get the feeling you've milked this cow before?
deja moo.
klm
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 20:48:27 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      elephant for the good at heart, obscenity for all others

CLEAN:

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?
A:  Elephino   (Hell if . . )

What do you get when an elephant sits on a marshmellow?
A:  A mushy-tushy

Now, for the rest of you. . .

What is the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
One's a Goodyear and one's a GREAT YEAR!


HE:  Do you know the difference between a chef's salad and a blow job
BLONDE:  No

He:  Wanna do lunch?
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 21:38:46 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor from the New Yorker (some rude words)

I'm interested in the humor of tragedy and disaster. One interesting
case of disaster is the collapse of Lloyd's of London. As one writer put
it, "An entire sector of England's upper-middle class, which now faces
financial ruin and is beginning to suspect that the once-coveted social
rite of becoming a Lloyd's Name is a fool's dupe." The writer, Julian
Barnes, wrote a thoughtful account about Lloyd's "deficit millionaires"
in September 20 issue of the New Yorker. Barnes includes in his story
some interesting humor, mostly understatements and soft ironies:

... her agent Anthony Gooda, told her, in a phrase that not surprisingly
lingered in her mind, that her investment was "so safe you could
mortgage the cat." (p. 74)

In late June of 1991, she received a letter from Anthony Gooda: "I am
afraid you have sustained an overall loss <for 1988> of 219,985.27
pounds. I should be pleased if you would forward a cheque for this
amount." (p. 75)

Asked to specify, the Briton might mention as its most famous
institutions first the Bank of England and, second, Lloyd's. "As safe as
the Bank of England," we like to quote, though, after the Bank's inept
failure to regulate B.C.C.I in the time up to its collapse the catch
phrase should perhaps be altered to "as sleepy as the Bank of England."
(p. 76)

The wine trade has felt the benefit of Lloyd's <collapse>. Stephen
Browett, a director of Farr Vintners, confirms that a number of private
cellars have unexpectedly become available. "... excuse the pun--the
most liquid asset they have is their wine." (p. 76)

"When I was growing up, the thickest men I knew went into Lloyd's. I
should have thought at the time. At school, I had a friend who couldn't
even get into the Navy. He took his maths O level five times and failed
it five times. He joined Lloyd's. I should have thought then and there."
(p. 77)

One underwriter brutally ... <said>: "If God had not meant them to be
sheared. He would not have made them sheep." (p. 80)

<Talking about Lloyd's new building, one occupant said> "Basically, they
said we could have any color we liked as long as it was gray." ....
Lloyd's, it was said, was the only building in London that had all the
guts on the outside and all the assholes on the inside. (p. 80)

<Many of the victims of the collapse have been advised to open their
houses as bed-and-breakfast inns. One West Country widow, now in her
seventies> ... has defiantly baptized her house, and the nameplate, in
brown wood with sunken black lettering, is the first thing you see as
you enter her inside porch. This dwelling, it tells you, is called
SDYOLLKCUF, which has a Celtic, perhaps a Cornish, feel to it, though if
you read it backward you find it altogether more Anglo-Saxon. (p. 81)

"These underwriters should count themselves lucky that Lloyd's is not
based in the Middle East," <Alan Price> said, "If it were, a large
number of these wretches would now be walking around minus one hand.
Some would be missing an arm and a leg." A grim English humor survives
even in these circumstance, an arm and a leg being exactly what many
Lloyd's Names have lost. (p. 86)

<Dr. Mary Arch, who chairs the Hardship Committee, is variously
labeled>: Unctuous, holier-than-thou, and aren't we-doing-well? That
evil old bat <from a woman who was probably no younger>; You could crack
eggs on her. (p. 87)

I told Dr. Archer that the newspaper photograph of her in a Nicole
Manier frock was being satirically circulated among the burnt Names, and
she responded, with a mid-November smile, "I don't blame them." (p. 88)

One Name who had been obliged to sell part of his prized book collection
sanguinely quoted to me the dictum "Don't cry over things that can't cry
for you." And an underwriting agent told me of the following
quintessential exchange he had overheard between two City gents as he
was leaving his luncheon club."How are you, old chap?" asked the first
gent, to which the second, with a sad shake of the head merely replied,
"Lloyd's, I'm afraid." (p. 90)

Lloyd's maxim "If you don't want any risk, go to the Post Office." (p.
90)

Hiscox: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. To which I used to reply, most
things cannot be fixed once they're broken. (p. 92)
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 22:42:04 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Golf joke

Can you name golf's leading money winner?
Whoever's playing Michael Jordan
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Sep 1993 22:48:39 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Gay Joke <rude>

Q: What do you call a gay milk-man?
A: DAIRY QUEEN!

What did one gay guy say to the other in the gay bar?
May I push in your stool?
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 08:34:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      computer dictionary  part 1 of 9

this is a rather large file, and bill suggested that i send it in chunks.
if anyone is interested in the whole thing all at once, email me at

[e-mail]

while some of these are atari-based-cpu specific (albeit VERY few) most
should be humourous to anyone into computers and computing
 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

BACKUP:  Opposite of forward.
BASIC:  A computer language used for generating errors.
BBS:  Not `Class A' B.S.
BCD:  Three of the first four letters of the alphabet.
BOARD:  State of mind of a programmer's spouse.
BOOLEAN LOGIC:  Your spouse's term for your reasoning.
BRANCH:  Stick used for beating CPU's.  If the stick is watered it may turn
into a computer club.
BUBBLE MEMORY:  Your spouse's nickname for you.
BUBBLE SORT:  Your spouse's term for your friends.
BUG:  Intercom system used in the Watergate complex.
BUS:  Mode of transportation for programmers.
BYTE:  A large NIBBLE.
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 09:53:35 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lithuanian sex (sex, Lithuanians)

This Lithuanian farmer is plowing his field when his neighbor shows up.
"Listen, Jonas, I'm sorry to tell you that, but I just feel like I have to.
This guy, Petras, comes to your house every day and fucks your wife," the
neighbor says.
Jonas, without stopping his work or even slowing down, "I know. But what kind
of fucking is that when she always wants more afterwards?"

--------
It sounds better when told in Lithuanian or Russian. The real meaning of the
dumb farmer's words would be something like "you can't consider that serious
work when somebody has to finish it after the one who started it". In those
two
mentioned languages (at least), just one word is enough to describe the
condition. For those who know Russian, the punch line is: "Nu razve eto eblia
kogda potom dojabyvatj nado?"

-- Saul.
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 09:18:10 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      rude one

Q)      What do you call a mushroom with a 10inch penis
A)      A fun-guy to be with!!
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 01:28:58 EDT
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A few little DIRTY sex jokes

These are oldies but goodies, thought up by me, Joel, and Jack
(who has had a BUNCH of ZImas ("Good stuff, too.  The stuff that
goes down.")

Q.  Why do girls have two holes?
A.  So when they're drunk, you can pick them up like six-pack.

A guy goes into a brothel, 'cause he wants a good lay.  So he goes in,
and the man at the desk says that he only has one room free. "Okay, I'll
take it."  The man at the desk gives the "client" the key to room 9, and
says, "Do whatever you want, but leave the lights off, and before you
shoot, pull out."
So, the guy goes to room 9, and just starts nailing the girl.  He's just
about to climax, and he says, "Fuck it.  I'm just going to cum in her."
So he shoots his load, and when he does, cum starts flying out of her
belly button, her nose, her eyes, just everywhere.
The guy freaks out.  He runs downstairs and tells the guy at the desk
what happened...
"Oh, jeez..." says the guy at the desk. "Charlie, the dead one in room
9 needs emptying..."
(That joke was translated by me from Jack's incoherent mumbling...)


A guy goes into a bar and buys two drinks.  He downs one, and pours the
other all over his hand.  "What are you doing?" asks the bartender?
"Getting my date drunk," he replies.


Hope you enjoyed these "classics" as much as we do...
BTW, we're all watching Speed Racer, which sounds like everyone's
having sex about half of the time if you close your eyes while it's on.

Love from all of us,

 Joel O'Connor        Jack (the confused drunk guy) Pescatello
 Vivian McFeeters (which is almost a joke in itself...oh, she's gonna
                   kick my ass...)
 And yours truly...


 -Tyler Haulenbeek      [e-mail]        St. Lawrence U.
 "I want to escape all this abuse and...rape, so WHY AM I WATCHING
                    OPRAH???" -Artifical Peach
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 09:59:19 EST
From:         Jay Pittman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: rights

>>Q: If two wrongs make a right, what do two rights make?
>>
>>A: An airplane.  (Orville & Wilbur, for State of California employees)


Further question: If two wrongs make a right, and two right make
                  an airplane, what to three rights make?

Answer: A left.
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 10:02:39 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      It must be a trick <Mulla Nasrudin>

EVEN THE INNOCENCE HAVE GUILT

     One day Nasrudin disagreed with the prior of a monastery at
which he was staying.  Shortly afterward, a bag of rice was
missing.  The chief ordered everyone to line up in the courtyard.
Then he told them that the man who had stolen the rice had some
grains of it in his beard.

     "This is an old trick, to make the guilty party touch his
beard involuntarily," thought the real thief, and stood firm.

     Nasrudin, on the other hand, thought, "The prior is out to
revenge himself upon me.  He must have planted rice in my beard!"
He tried to brush it off as inconspicuously as he could.

     As his fingers combed his beard, he realized that everyone was
looking at him.

     "I knew, somehow, that he would trap me sooner or later," said
Nasrudin.
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 15:08:53 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Lloyds; also: arguments for castration

(If I may just add something to Bill's nice piece on Lloyds, for those
 who don't know, the unctious Dr Mary Archer is the wife of the alleged
 novelist, Jeffery Archer, who as well as claiming to write books
 (he probably finds this easier than reading them), is also to UK
 politics what Dan Quayle was to the US. One upon a time, the silly fellow
 got himself into a sex scandal. A prostitute claimed he had slept with her,
 and was going to expose him. Although he denied it, he secretly paid her
 off in a bizarre episode. Somehow or other it ended up in the libel court.
 Everything hinged on whether the jury believed he had actually slept with the
 hooker. The judge (the usual Establishment twit) called upon the jury to
 look at Archer's wife: "Is she not lovely? Is she not fragrant?" he famously
 intoned, as though history had never shown that men with beautiful wives
 sometimes look at other women.  The hooker claimed that Archer had a mole
 on his back; Archer denied this and Mary supported him; of course the judge
 did not ask him to remove his shirt and let the jury make up their own mind.
 - Real life is often funnier than fiction. (and if he was lying, I just hope
   she gave him a real hard time when they got home! :-) )

And now for something completely different:-
10 Reasons why Men should be castrated before puberty

(if not before)

1. Research shows that the greatest fear held by 93.75% of all men is not
   death, but castration; Remove that fear at an early age!
   go fearless into manhood!

2. Everyone knows that pre-pubic boys have the most beautiful singing
   voice (*); preserve that beautiful voice forever.
   Share the wisdom of the Vatican, who kept choirs of castrati
   for centuries before modern prejudices forbad them.

3. Have a castrectomy now and save the bother of a vasectomy (and
   possibly a reverse-vasectomy) later; the sooner and younger it is done,
   the least cost and embarassment; no need for condoms or the male pill;
   no danger of venereal diseases and reduced danger of aids.

4. Eliminate the temptations of extra-marital affairs and flings which
   can bring nothing but unhappiness in the long run.

5. You will never, ever, be accused of rape; what can't speak, can't lie.

6. Have no fears about being called a lousy lover by your wife, girlfriend,
   boyfriend.

7. Play vigorous sports such as soccer without fear; you can face a
   penalty kick WITHOUT putting your hands in front of your crotch.
   Throw that jockstrap away.
   Sit on horse, motorcycle, or bicycle saddles for hours without
   discomfort.

8. Wear the latest tight casual and sportswear without embarassing
   your friends.

9. Small but measurable weight-loss guaranteed.

10. When your boss accuses you of ballsing everything up,
    smile sweetly and say "hardly sir".

If you missed out in childhood, it's not too late; get it done now.
(This is not an advertisement but a testimonial: Dr Ike Cutem,
 63 Pentonville Road, London, offers a package deal including a
 free circumcision with each castration.
 "What you never had, you'll never miss" - Dr Ike.)

(*) This is why English cathedral choirs have traditionally employed
such boys, who are dressed in long frilly robes and made to perform
long rituals with older men, also dressed in long frilly robes;
This is not technically transvestism - more like transvestmentism.
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 09:36:13 CDT
From:         Lesley Hite <[e-mail]>
Subject:      neat trick

This isn't really funny or anything, it's just a nifty trick that my mother
tol
d me about.
Play along.  Then you can try it on your classes.  It really works (not 100 %
o
f course).  I tried it on mine.
Anyway...

pick a number between 1 and 10
multiply it by 9
add the digits together
subtract 5
find the corresponding letter in the alphabet (e.g. 1 is a, 2 is b)
think of a country starting with that letter
take the second letter of that country
think of an animal starting with that letter

got it?

my guess is an elephant in Denmark

You will find about 2/3 of the people have that for an answer.
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 11:36:37 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Rush Job (fwd)

>From [e-mail] Wed Sep 29 10:54:09 1993
>Date: Tue, 28 Sep 93 16:01:46 EDT
>Subject: A Rush Job
>
>Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton find themselves
>alone in an elevator.  Hillary takes advantage of the
>moment to fulfill a fantasy and takes off her clothes
>and tells Rush to "Make me feel like a woman big guy".
>Limbaugh, not wanting to disappoint the president's wife,
>takes off his clothes, hands them to Hillary and tells her
>to fold them.
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 19:30:53 +0200
From:         "Ajay K. Vachhani" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      LIMERICK  CLEAN

                                         There was a young fellow from Yuma
                                          Who told an elephant joke to a
puma
                                                    Now his skeleton lies
                                                  Under hot western skies
                                            The puma had no sense of huma.

==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 18:06:48 +0200
From:         Tudor Jebelean <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: neat trick

> Then you can try it on your classes.

> pick a number between 1 and 10
> multiply it by 9
> add the digits together

  and you'll always get 9 - students with some background in maths should be
  able to realize that.
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 14:06:22 EST
From:         Maurice Jester <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sex joke

Did you hear that Pinocchio and Barbie were seeing each other?
She sits on his face and says,
"Tell a lie, Tell the truth, tell a lie"
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 13:52:46 -0500
From:         irma <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: elephant for the good at heart, obscenity for all others

What do you get when you cross and elephant with a prostitute?
A:  A two-ton pickup.
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 14:15:27 EDT
From:         Prabhu Chandran <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Slightly offensive.....

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.  As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.  "How did you get that mark on
your chest?" asks the doctor.  "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's
so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.  As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.  "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.  "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.  As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.  "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.  "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin.  Why do you ask?"
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 16:13:24 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <[e-mail]>
Subject:      raunchy/ really raunchy

A woman was cleaning her house in the nude one day, and there was a knock
on the door.  "Who is it?" she called.  "Blind man" was the reply.
"Oh, well," she thought, "No problem then." and opened the door.

The man's comment was "Nice tits.  Where should I put these blinds?"



There once was a woman named Alice
Who used TNT as a phallus
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Dallas.


--Riff
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 15:22:43 PDT
From:         Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Cow Jokes (clean but guaranteed groaners)

RE: the recent spate of clean elephant jokes.
    It's clean cow joke time!

Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: Go to moo-vies.

Q: What band is a cow favorite?
A: Moody Blues

Q: If a cow could be a musician, what would it play?
A: Moog synth

Q: Which job is a cow most suited for?
A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly.

Q: What do you call a grumpy cow?
A: Moo-dy

Q: Where do cows go in the afterlife?
A: Moo Moo Land

Q: How are chinese bovines and aircraft engine covers similar?
A: They're both cowlings.

Q: What would Gandi have said if he'd been shot?
A: Holy cow!

Famous philosophy, done for cows:
Nietzsche: To moo is to be.
Sartre   : To be is to moo.
Sinatra  : Moo be moo be moo.

Interspecies sing-along:
Cow: Moo
Cat: Mew
Larry: Moe
Chinese: Mao
Cow: Moo, Moo
Curly: Moe
All: Do-Dah, Do-Dah!

Well, guess I've milked that one for all it's worth.

Marty
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 09:16:18 GMT+10
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         auckland warriors NZ rule ok
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      rated P.G.

         The great budget debate

    The country was in a terrible state,
    when field arose in the budget debate.
    it was quite a few minutes before he spoke,
    and he said  sex will cost two dollars a poke.

    when he assured, long, thin or thick,
    tax will be paid on the size of your dick.
    Patmore then said  now look fieldy dear,
    will this tax apply to boys that are queer?

    Dr Brown arose and looked rather glum,
    can i exempt, because i only like bum?
    Mr field replied and he souned quite airy,
    tax will be doubled,you bloody old fairy.

    Harry holgate arose to tremendous applause,
    he grabbed christine milne and ripped off her drawers.
    He stradded across her and rode her at will,
    and shouted at fieldy put that on my bill.

    Ken wreidt then said  i think i'll resign,
    because i haven't had sex in a very long time.
    I dream every night of a fanny that's hairy,
    but i get no response from my darling mary.

    The debate  carried on, oh what a sight,
    Master bates kept wanking all through the night.
    The speaker then said, let the voters decide,
    but i think they will settle for a dollar a ride.

    Now in tasmanian bedrooms at night,
    there's many a fanny thats closed very tight.
    We'er taxed on our booze, and we'er taxed on our smoking,
    but we never thought we would be taxed on our poking...



                        signed   the master
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 18:55:40 -0500
From:         Ali Mohajer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nasruddin

Hello All, here's another Nasruddin fable,

The good Mulla was observed sitting in a tree in his yard and sawing the
branch
he was sitting on. A neighbor asked what he was doing. Nasruddin replied: "I'm
cutting down the tree; except for this branch: I like the shade it casts."

(Maybe if he was using an ACME saw...)

:-)

Ali

[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Wed, 29 Sep 1993 17:28:15 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.J     From a batch of humor gather:  4 Dec 87

----------------------------------------------------

Bumper sticker seen in Seattle:  "Save the Safeway lobsters"
--
alan shepherd, one of the apollo astronauts, said during a press meeting:
  "It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's
safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract."
--
     On a bright, warm spring day, somewhere on Vancouver Island a certain
resident of East Indian origin was shaking his rug on his front porch.
     A passerby saw him, couldn't help himself and blurted,
"What is the problem? Can't get it started?"

----------------------------------------------------

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother.  On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
       in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

----------------------------------------------------

Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in
a cast.  The first hippie asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?"  "I
slipped in the bathtub."  The second hippie asked the first "What's a
bathtub?"
"How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"

----------------------------------------------------

The five rules of Socialism:
        1. Don't think
        2. If you do think, don't speak
        3. If you think and speak, don't write
        4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign
        5. If you think, spead, write and sign, don't be surprised

----------------------------------------------------

     How does the Soviet Constitution differ from the American?
     Under the Soviet Constitution citizens are guaranteed
freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 10:29:56 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Limerick (tasteless, offensive to whores,
              degrades nematodes, includes the C word)

There was old whore from Silesia
Who said "If my cunt doesn't please ya
You may as well come
Up my slimy bum
But be careful the tapeworm don't seize ya."
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 12:15:30 +0100
From:         Giuliano Peritore <[e-mail]>
Subject:      littely offensive colored jok

One man meets one of his friends and finds him in very low spirits.  So he
asks him what's happened.  "Nothing important", says the other guy, "I've
travelled a lot and had some troubles".  "I hope nothing serious" says the
first man.  "Oh no" replies the other.  "Surely ?  I think there some not
very pleasant that's happened to you".  "Ok, I'll tell it to you":

"While I was in New York, I was looking some shop windows when my eye fell
on a part of the glass, and in the reflection I saw behind me a very very
big colored man.  He had two big shoulders, it was a mountain.  I tought
not being the object of his interests, so I moved to the next shop."

"While I was looking at the shop window my eye fell again on the
reflection
ad I saw again the black big, enormous, man.  So I became afraid and I
started to rush.  And he behind me rushed and rushed.  At some moment
I turned right in a alley, rushed a lot (the black mountaint still behind
me), and discovered that it was a blind alley.  I put my arms on the wall
ad waited.  I was very afraid.  The black man arrived behind me, unzipped
his pants and fucked me."

"Oh disgusting", says the other man.

"What disgusting!", replyes the low spirit man.  "His cock was so big that
if he had decided to hit my head with it surely I was died !  But it was
such an experience..."

:-)
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 12:24:34 +0100
From:         "Jiro Suribros P.Molijn" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      help me please

I don't think this is the best place to put this
but !
i have this date with this girl
and everytime i meet her i black out
help me
please
what should i do ???
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 08:12:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      JUST A QUICKIE.  [PG] - (Parental Guidance)

perfunctory, international explanatory note:  Beer Nuts are a brand of
sugar-glazed peanuts usually sold in small foil packets in taverns/bars/pubs
to be eaten along with your beer.

Q:  What do Beer Nuts and deer nuts have in common?

A:  They're both under a buck!  :)

additional perfunctory, international explanatory note:  'a buck' is not
only a male deer, it is also american slang for one dollar.

on to the commercial:

if you sent me a request for the 'purity test,' yesterday, and have not
received your copy back, yet, it is because i got two mailer-daemon messages
back from two of my replies.  sorry, but you'll have to provide a better
and/or more specific internet address to receive your copy.

be seeing you,

oxo
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 08:27:00 EDT
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ice Fishin' Jokes

There were two guys out ice fishing. One guy had been sitting for several
hours
with no catch at all. Finally, he looked over at the other guy.

The other guy would put his line in, a fish would jump on, he'd pull the fish
out, and then put it in the bucket. The guy was pulling fish in at a rate of
about one every thirty seconds.

The guy with bad luck went over to the other guy and asked, "Hey buddy, how
are
you managing to catch all those fish?" The other guy replied,
"MMMMMMNNNNNNNPPPHH!". "Say again, buddy?" "MMMMMMNNNNNNNPPPHH!". "One more
time, I didn't catch that." The other guy then spit something into his hand
and
said, "You gotta keep the worms warm!".

This guy goes out ice fishin'. He sets up his chair, gets his tackle in order,
and then cuts the hole in the ice. As he is about to cast his line, this
booming voice shouts, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!". Thinking he has
just heard the voice of God, he is appropriatly shaken.

He then moves his gear and cuts a new hole. Again, as he is about to cast, the
voice speaks again. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!".

He then moves his gear again and cuts a new hole. Again, as he is about to
cast, the voice speaks a third time. "THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER, THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!".
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 09:55:19 EDT
From:         Pedro Valdes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Record store (R)/Half jew, half black(racist)

A guy from the country side goes to the city to visit a friend who owns
a music shop.
While visiting the music store, he is asked to attend the customers and
answer the phone while his friend(the owner of the store) takes care of an
emergency.
An old woman calls on the phone enquiring for a song in a record:

- Do you have "Two lips to love me"?, She asked.

- Ah..., I don't think so ma'm, but... I shure can give you 12 inches of pure
  love!!, the man answerd her with a shocked expresion.

- Is that a record?, the old gal asked, confused by the strange name
  for a song.

- Well..., The man said, "I wouldn't know if that is a record but is more than
  the average where I come from".

------------------------------------------------------------
A boy half jew, half black asked his father:

- Dad, What am I?... more jew or more black??

- Why are you asking?, the father said.

- Well... you see, there is this boy that is selling a bicycle for $10.00
  and I am trying to decide if should offer him $5.00 or steal it.
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 08:34:12 LCL
From:         Rafael Lacaz Ruiz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Canibal

-- >
There were three guys that got lost in the Pacific Ocean.
> Fortunately they landed on a small island...but they met a caniba
> tribe. The three guys were: one brasileiro, one american and one
> portuguese. At that time, the men of the tribe said:
> - Today we are quite angry. We`re gonna make boat with your
skin!!!,
> but if you ask for us something we can't bring, you are  free!
> The american asked for the Statue of Liberty..in a few minutes there
> was the Statue of Liberty ; they cut off the  american's skin.
> The brasileiro asked for the head of the president of Brasil...they
> brought the head and killed the brasileiro , making boat with his
skin too. When the portuguese spoke, he asked for a fork, just a
small and stupid fork...nothing special...
- A fork? replied the people.
-Yes! Just a fork.
When they brought the fork, the portuguese  picked the fork up and
started making holes on his skin saying:
-Nobody is gonna make boat with my skin no longer...

I hope you enjoy this one.
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 10:47:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      computer dictionary part 2 of 9

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

C:  The language of washed-up programmers.
CHIP:1. One California Highway Patrolman.  2. Used in computers, they come
in four flavors: silicon, potato, chocolate, and buffalo.
CLOAD:  Command to lockup the keyboard.
COMPUTER MAGAZINE:  A place where computers store ammunition.
CONCATENATION:  A convention of all the nation's domesticated felines.
CPU:  C3-PO's mother.
CRASH:  Normal termination of a program.
CRT:  See RT.
CSAVE:  A command to write blank tapes.
DEBUG:  Raid sprayed on the keyboard.
DEDICATED:  A programmer trying to decode a string packed program.
DIGITAL:  Something done with fingers, as in checking computer mathematics.
DIP:  Inventor of a famous switch.
DISK DRIVE:  A motor for a Frisbee.
DISK PACK:  Six cans of fluid, used by disk drive technicians to improve
their thinking.
DMA:  Abbreviation for 'Direct Memory Access' also know as brain surgery.
DOWNTIME:  Slang for when a programmer is being realistic.
DUMP:  Spouse's term for area around the computer.

be seeing you,

oxo
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 10:55:56 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Those lawyer jokes
I love lawyer jokes, having been shafted by a former friend, a lawyer.
A truly memorable joke I've seen on Humor bears repeating.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

Doberman pinschers!
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 15:08:28 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyer (may be offensive to the ACLU)

I had told this joke:
> Witness:        Well, I think...
> Lawyer:         Don't think, just tell us what you saw.
> Witness:        I'm sorry, I'm not a lawyer, I can't speak without
>                 thinking.

One of my conservative friends replied:
) This reminds of something I read in Charles Colson's new book: A Dance
) With Deception. He was discussing the lawsuits brought by the ACLU to
) bar nativity scenes on public property.
)
) It went something like this:
)
) The reason the ACLU is so jealous of manger scenes is that they don't
) have three wise men and a virgin in their organization.
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 17:08:48 +0100
From:         Giuliano Peritore <[e-mail]>
Subject:      italian police joke (like blo

Here in Italy there are a lot of Jokes on Carabinieri, which is a
particular
kind of police.  This jokes are a lot similar to blonde jokes, making all
carabinieris (!) seem stupid.  But it is only a common place.  Carabinieri
are a very good police division and work very well.  But let's start with
the jokes.

--
One man is driving downward an hill and meets two carabinieri who are
going upward driving their car backward.  He is impressed and asks:
"Why are you driving backward ?"  The answer is: "We are always prepared,
infact if we get up and there is no place to turn, we are ready to go
down."  The men mubles and goes on his way.

Later on he is returning home and begins driving upward the hill when
he meets again the two carabinieri coming down... driving still backward.
"What's happened" he asks them.  And they reply happily: "We had a lot of
fortune.  On the top of the hill we found a place to turn !"
--
Do you know why carabinieri keep a basin in their police car racks ?
To keep there the siren !
--
A little indication:  In Italian bank draft is called 'circular draft'.

One day two carabinieri are talking in their station.  The first says:
"Someone told me that they will pay us with circular drafts, so I prepared
myself."  "And what have you done to get prepared ?"  "Wait a moment!"
He unpockets his wallet and puts it on the desk.  The other shows a big
smile and says: "Whaw!, a round wallet!"
--

I hope to have done a good translation into English.
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 12:39:03 -0400
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OS markets

> DOS: everybody pushes it till it glides, jumps on, and lets it coast
>      till it skids... then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
>
> DOS w/QEMM: same as DOS but with more leg room to push.
>
> MAC: all the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, etc.,
>      look the same, act the same, and talk the same.  Every time you
>      ask questions about details you are told you don't need to know,
>      don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without
>      knowing, so just shut up.
>
> OS/2: to get on board you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different
>       times by standing in 10 different lines; then you have to fill
>       out a form that states how you want your seating arrangement to
>       be--whether it should have the look and feel of an ocean liner,
>       a passenger train, or a bus.  If you are successful in getting on
>       board and getting off the ground you have a wonderful, enjoyable
>       trip... except for times when the rudder and flaps freeze stuck,
>       in which case you have time to say your prayers and get your
>       personal things in order before you crash.
>
> Windows: nice colorful airport terminal, friendly stewards/stewardesses,
>          easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff.... then BOOM!
>          you blow up without any warning whatsoever.
>
> NT: everyone sits on the runway and forms the outline of a plane, then
>     they just sit there and go "PHHLLZZZSST" like they're flying.
>
> Unix: everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to
>       the airport.  Then they go out on the runway and piece it together,
>       all the time arguing about what kind of plane they are building.
>
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 12:38:45 EDT
From:         Cathy Krusberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Religious -- TASTELESS

Jesus walks into a hotel.  He hands three nails to the guy
at the front desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 14:49:00 EDT
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Uga Bugga

Three men were cast ashore on this island and captured by the local natives.
The natives brought the three men to their chief who said, "You have a choice,
death or Uga Bugga."

The first man decided he didn't want to die and answered "I'll take Uga
Bugga."
The natives grabbed him, stripped him, and then had their way with him.

The second man also decided he didn't want to die and answered "I'll take Uga
Bugga." The natives grabbed him, stripped him, and then had their way with
him.

The third man was very pious and could not stand the thought of having all of
those natives have their way with him. He answered, "I will take death!" The
chief then said, "OK, death ... by Uga Bugga."
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 14:58:48 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: help

>I don't think this is the best place to put this
>but !
>i have this date with this girl
>and everytime i meet her i black out
>help me
>please
>what should i do ???

Your problem suggests to me the following (OOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLD)
joke:

Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this!
Doctor: Don't do that!
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 14:33:58 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyers and lawyer jokes

Is not Law the only so-called profession that, with premeditation, promotes,
encourages, even foments, conflict between and among humans?

O.K., now for the obligatory humor.  There aren't but two lawyer jokes in the
world.  All of the rest are true stories!

And, there's the one about the woman who goes to her gynecologist who, in the
course of the exam, asks, "Are you sexually active?"  The woman thinks for a
minute and says, "Well, I don't just lie there if that's what you mean!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 15:12:57 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: help me please...

Well, if you keep blacking out I suppose you could try some of
the following when you meet her:


   1)  Remember to keep breathing.

   2)  Go to sleep.

   3)  Go ahead and faint. (sympathy point)

   4)  Try meeting her on a high-speed rollercoaster.
       (no one will notice if you black out)

   5)  Get a mouthful of water before you meet her.
       (especially helpful if she knows CPR)

   6)  Snack on dry instant coffee and sugar candy
       before meeting her.  (trust me, you won't blackout)

   7)  Feign a blackout, and at the last possible second,
       have a stroke instead.  (usual result of step 6)

   8)  Before you meet her, put on a pair of mirrored
       sunglasses... backwards.  (what you can't see...)

   9)  If you can't hold off a blackout, go with it,
       enjoy the trip...  (weird, man, weird...)

  10)  Tell her you're used to lower altitudes... and
       you'll be back from one in a minute or two.

  11)  Rent a copy of "Weekend at Bernie's" and study
       it.  (you may not *need* to be conscious...)

  12)  Tell her that your mind is on something else...
       the *ground*.


Well, I hope this helps you out...

NEXT TIME: "She passes out when we hold hands..." (made for each other)
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 16:16:00 EDT
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick

There once a barmaid from Yale.
Upon her chest were all the prices of ale.
For the customers that were blind
on her lovely behind they would find
all the prices printed in braille.

==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 20:46:26 -0400
From:         "Barbara J. Reynolds" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Slightly dirty

this man owns a sex shop.  He was training a new employee one day and had
To leave to do some errands.  He asked the new guy to watch the place.
This women walks in and said, I like that white dildo over there, how much
Is it?  He said $25.  She said, ok I'll take it.  Then this black lady walks
In.  She said, I like that black one over there, how much is it?  He said
$50.  Ok, I'll take it.  Then this real heavy woman walks in.  She said, oh!
I like that plaid one over there, how much is it?  He said $75.  Ok, I'll
Take it.  The manage comes back and said, ok how did you do?  He said well,
I sold the white onne for $25, the black one for $50, and your thermos for
$75.
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 17:01:02 PDT
From:         martha rubin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Retirement


TO: All Employees

FROM:     Personnel

SUBJECT:  Revised Retirement Policy


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental payroll,
we are forced to cut down on the number of personnel employed by this
company.

Under this plan, older employees will be ask to go on early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.  The program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early
(RAPE).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company.  Provided that they are being RAPEd, they can
request a review of their employment records before actual retirement
takes place.  This phase of the operation is called Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).

All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with
upper management.  This appeal process will be called Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).  Under the terms of the new
policy, employees may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed
as many times as the company deems necessary.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled
to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES).
As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received
HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of ensuring that employees are
well trained through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT).
The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.  We
have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area.
If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job,
see your immediate supervisor.  Your supervisor is specially trained to
see to it that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Sincerely,

Personnel Director
==========
Date:         Thu, 30 Sep 1993 21:23:29 -0400
From:         John Vogel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bald joke request

Well there is that bumper sitcker with a picture of Patrick Stewart as
Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the Enterprise in Star Trek: The New Generation:

        "Real Captains Don't Need Hair"

  I also asked my wife, the teacher, about tenure jokes.  She said that it
was no laughing matter.
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 08:41:17 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The PLAIN TRUTH about lightbulbs!

I just read in UPI that an audit commission has found that it actually
takes six (British) National Health Service employees to change a
hospital lightbulb!

It's true! The Daily Mail reported that it's a "sick joke" of a process
for each lightbulb requires 17 separate administrative procedures, from
ordering bulbs to a worker reporting a burnt-out lamp to the recording
of the fact that a new bulb is in place and working.

The audit commission was looking into ways of reducing NHS costs by
reducing time wasted by employees on administrative nonsense, so that
more of the limited supply of pounds could be used for actual patient
care.

Ian
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 07:58:36 EDT
From:         john lawrence u388 x3027 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

   "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

   You ever cut your grass and found a car.
   You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
   You think the stock market has a fence around it.
   Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
   You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
   Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
   You own a homemade fur coat.
   Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
   You burn your yard rather than mow it.
   Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
   You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship
   came in."
   You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
   The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
   You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
   Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the
   Governor to spare a loved one.
   Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because
   of her language.
   Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home
   with the kids."
   Birds are attracted to your beard.
   Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
   You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
   You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
   You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatley.
   Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
   You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
   You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
   You clean your fingernails with a stick.
   Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
   You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
   You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it
   look nice.
   Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
   Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
   Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
   You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
   There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of
your
   car.
   The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
   There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
   You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
   The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
   You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
   You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
   You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

  more to follow ...
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 07:57:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      computer dictionary  part 3 of 9

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

EBCDIC:  Security code for IBM computers. Means "Erase Backup, Chew Disk,
Ignite Cards". For a variety of obvious reasons, only IBM computers use
EBCDIC code.
EDITOR:  A program which deletes obscene commands.
ENDLESS LOOP:  See LOOP, ENDLESS.
EPROM:  Acronym for 'Exit Program, Read Owners Manual'.
ERROR:  A programmer's decision to skip making a flowchart and to exclude
comments from his program.
ERROR TRAP:  A black hole placed in a computer to capture bugs.
EXECUTION:  What your computer did to your program, also known as murder.
EXPANSION:  Computer slang for 'Vital Parts Missing'. A computer with
'Expansion Capability' is capable of working only when the extra parts are
purchased.
FIFO:  Good name for a French Poodle.
FIG-FORTH:  A quartered Fig.
FILE:  Found in cakes, it is used to end lockups.
FIRMWARE:  Hardware that is beginning to melt.
FLIP FLOP CIRCUIT:  Device used by politicians to determine policy.
FLOPPY DISK:  Back pain that you claim is from an old war injury.
FLOWCHART:  Map of currents in the Gulf of Mexico.
FLYING HEAD:  Airline toilet.
FORTH:  One of the top three computer languages.
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 09:21:03 EDT
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         Mike Weinstein <[e-mail]>
Subject:      thoughts on lawyers

Saw a lawyer in downtown L.A. today with a sign that said:"Will make someone's
life a living hell for food".
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 16:55:03 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

San Francisco -- Since Opus the penguin has taken to shooting flocks of
flying toasters, a computer software company is taking a legal Magnum to
Opus.

When cartoonist Berkeley Breathed, a 1987 Pulitzer Prize winner, first
walked into a software store, he "didn't see anything funny." So he designed
the "Opus N' Bill Screen Saver" program for Toronto-based Delrina Corp...
part of which is Opus gunning down the winged toasters.

Since the soaring appliances are the icon of Berkeley Systems Inc.'s popular
"After Dark" program, the company doesn't think his choice of skeet is so
neat. So the company is suing rival Delrina.

"They're essentially profiting on our brand," said Wes Boyd, co-founder,
president and chief exeucitve officer of the Berkeley, CA, company. "We
worked very hard to establish a brand identity which is focused in and
around this flying toaster image."
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 11:09:46 -0400
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      fw:TOP TEN (9-28-93) (fwd)

September 28, 1993
===========
Top ten complaints of the Biospherians
===========

10. Bad planning to have everyone in there be named "Billy"
 9. All the jokes about people who live in glass houses
 8. Bio-toast was usually bio-burned
 7. Cockroaches the size of lawn tractors
 6. Completely missed two of Madonna's "new looks"
 5. Sick of people calling us "Trekkies"
 4. Never found Waldo
 3. On second day, badminton birdie got stuck in rafters
 2. Crazy woman who kept breaking in claming to be "Mrs. Biosphere"
 1. Bio-sores.
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 16:04:40 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Mickey humor  (Strong language)

        So, Mickey Mouse was arrested for beating his wife, Minnie.

        At the trial the judge said, "Now Mickey, I understand that
you said Minnie was acting very silly recently. But surely that doesn't
give you the right to hit her."

        "But your honor", said Mickey "I didn't say she was acting
silly - I said she was fucking goofy!".
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 14:04:07 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Actually heard on radio shrink show

I awoke in the middle of the night last night, and as I often do, I
turned on the radio to listen to Dr. Joy Brown, the syndicated radio
shrink.
A caller described the following problem with her pre-school little
girl:
It seems that the little girl had recently discovered that touching
herself in certain, um, places, made her, um, feel good.  The mom
caught the child in the act, didn't panic, explained that it wasn't a
_bad_ thing to do, but it was a _private_ thing to do, not around
other people.

Some days later, the mom walked into the TV room, and found the little
girl engrossed in masturbating.  The child stopped immediately, and
after a few uncomfortable minutes, she said to her mom:

"Mommy, would you mind leaving the room, so I can rub some more?"

==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 15:42:53 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <[e-mail]>
Subject:      one more

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  It's a hardware problem.
=========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 15:41:49 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nasrudin

Here's a Nasrudin tale from "The Schrodinger's Cat Trilogy" by
Robert Anton Wilson

One day, Nasrudin managed to create a magic wand.  Wishing to patent
this powerful and valuable device, he waved the wand and a patent office
appeared.  As he entered the building, the patent officer said "Can I
help you?"  Nasrudin answered "I would like to patent this magic wand
that I have created."  The patent officer said "You can't patent a magic
wand!  There's no such thing!"

So Nasrudin waved the wand and made the patent office disappear.

--Riff
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 09:43:00 EST
From:         "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Cow Jokes (clean but guaranteed groaners)

>
>Well, guess I've milked that one for all it's worth.
>
>Marty

Just keep moo-ving along before we chase you down for such udderly terrible
puns. An encownter with irate HUMOR readers could cause you never to be herd from
again. (But I've herd that the people who hate puns the moost are those incapable
of uddering them.)

You also reminded me of the parts of an automoobile:

moo-fler, cattle-ytic inverter, cowberator, and of course the horn.

(If she doesn't dry up I could do this 'til the cows come home)
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 19:21:55 +0200
From:         "Ajay K. Vachhani" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick: Offensive, Racist.

There was a young lady of Starky
Who had a night out with a darky.
The results of her sins
Were quads, not twins.
One white, one black and two khaki !

==========
Date:         Sat, 2 Oct 1993 00:06:05 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      'Peacekeeper'toilet won't flush if seat's up

I read in UPI that America's biggest plumbing maker is marketing a
product that could save countless marriages. It's called the
``Peacekeeper'' -- a toilet that won't flush unless the seat is
down.

``We saw it as an opportunity to solve a few disputes in the
home,'' said Nancy Deptolla, spokeswoman for Kohler Co. of
Kohler, Wis.

``The women say, 'Where've you been.' Men laugh and say, 'My wife
would appreciate that,''' said Carol Erwin, media director for
Kohler.
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 10:20:58 MST
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Jimmy Carter (G)

Former President Jimmy Carter, appearing on the Late Show with
David Letterman, related this story....

Shortly after leaving office, Carter traveled to Japan to give
a speech before a large crowd.  Most of the people in attendance
did not speak English, so Carter had to rely upon an interpreter.
He started off his speech with a joke, wanting to put the crowd
at ease.  When the interpreter finished re-telling the joke, the
crowd erupted with exuberant laughter.  Carter was surprised at
the reaction, since the joke hadn't been that funny in English.
After the speech, he went to the interpreter and asked how he had
told the joke to the crowd to make it so funny.  The interpreter
bowed his head and turned away, but Carter persisted.  Finally,
the interpreter sheepishly repeated what he had told the crowd:
"The President just told a funny story.  We must all laugh now."
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 15:34:52 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lightbulbs

Here's some jokes you probably already know...

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
two.  One to change it, and one not to change it.

How many Realists does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.


A sign in the window of a pizza parlor:
"CONTEST!!  Guess how many pizzas are in this box, and win both of them."

--Riff
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 16:13:57 CDT
From:         Jim Kemp <[e-mail]>
Subject:      rednecks

Some redneck comments were forgotten ...

You know you might be a redneck if:

You think a family reunion is a good place to pick up chicks
There's only one name in your family tree
Your wife has more children than teeth
You spent your honeymoon in Little Rock

OK, I know there's more out there ...
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 17:19:01 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      TECHNICAL PERSON'S PAT ANSWER.

     I fully realize that I have not succeeded in answering all of your
     questions.......Indeed, I feel I have not answered any of them
     completely.  The answers I have found only serve to raise a whole new
     set of questions, which only lead to more problems, some of which we
     weren't even aware were problems.  To sum it all up.....In some ways I
     feel we are as confused as ever, but at a higher level, and about more
     important things.
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 20:13:58 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Atom joke <rude word>

Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
From: [e-mail] (Mr M.A. Hadwin)
Subject: charged joke
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 93 15:42:29 BST

Two atoms walking down the street......

One turns to the other and says: ' Shit! I think I've lost an electron'
The other one look back and replies: 'Are you sure?'
The other replies: 'Yeh, I'm positive!'
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 17:03:05 PDT
From:         Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lesser known programming languages (clean)

LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES

C-

 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
 submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
 best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
 language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
 statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
 similar to COBOL.


FIFTH

 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
 refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
 JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
 BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
 CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
 financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
 VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
 and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
 who end up using this language.


SARTRE

 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
 unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
 are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
 SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
 parties.
==========
Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 20:55:53 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Little old lady <poem>

THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN LAVENDER SILK by Dorothy Parker

I was seventy-seven, come August,
     I shall shortly be losing my bloom;
I've experienced zephyr and raw gust
     And (symbolical) flood and simmom.

When you come to this time of abatement,
     To this passing from Summer to Fall,
It is manners to issue a statement
     As to what you got out of it all.

So I'll say, though reflection unnerves me
     And pronouncements I dodge as I can,
That I think (if my memory serves me)
     There was nothing more fun than a man!

In my youth, when the crescent was too wan
     To embarrass with beams from above,
By the aid of some local Don Juan
     I fell into the habit of love.

And I learned how to kiss and be merry--an
     Education left better unsung.
My neglect of the waters Pierian
     Was a scandal, when Grandma was young.

Though the shabby unbalanced the splendid,
     And the bitter outmeasured the sweet,
I should certainly do as I then did,
     Were I given the chance to repeat.

For contrition is hollow and wrathful,
     And regret is not part of my plan,
And I think (if my memory's faithful)
     There was nothing more fun than a man!
==========
Date:         Sat, 2 Oct 1993 00:52:10 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: NOT THE Little old lady <poem>
Another by Dorothy Parker

Sorry, I can't remember the title

By the time you swear you're his,
 Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his love for you
 Is infinite, undying;
Lady, make a note of this:
 One of you is lying.

==========
Date:         Sat, 2 Oct 1993 18:12:53 +0200
From:         "Ajay K. Vachhani" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bald jokes

God made only a few perfect heads

The rest  He covered with hair !
==========
Date:         Sat, 2 Oct 1993 12:45:39 EDT
From:         Rick Savoury <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Death - The Sequel

The other day I was watching a soap opera (name withheld for legal
purposes) and as often happens in this type of melodrama, one of the
characters who everyone thought was dead came back from the grave.

Does anyone remember the good ole days when death was a permanent thing.
Then those crazy Egyptians decided that they wanted to be different and
started planning for a comeback tour.  Then certain people in Transilvania
decided that they weren't going to tow the company line either and began
coming back from the dead.

Well, that just opened the flood gates and soon everyone started bopping
down to the the hereafter for a quick visit.  The beyond was suddenly a
nice place to visit but no one wanted to stay there.  Buying the farm
became a series of short term rentals.  Kicking the bucket became pushing
it back and forth.  Croaking developed an echo.  Now I hear they're
considering turning purgatory into a vacation resort.  Life will never be
the same again.

==========
Date:         Sat, 2 Oct 1993 13:20:24 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bicycle foolishness

This article is from a usenet newsgroup called alt.humor.best-of-usenet.
I think you will have fun reading this article.

From: Pete Hickey ([e-mail])
Newsgroup: rec.bicycles.misc
Title: Help needed tieing shoes
Date: Sat, 04 Sep 1993, 01:05:16

I did it again today.  I fell while trying to tie my shoes
while riding my bicycle.  I just can't get the hang of it!
I always fall.  Here's what I've tried.

1) When I put my foot on the handlebars, the bike tends to turn,
   then I fall.

2) If I put my foot on the neck, I am off balance because I
   end up leaning back to far.

3) I fall over sideways if try to keep my foot on the top tube.

The problem isn't really when I put my foot someplace, but it
occurs when my foot is there and I let go of the handlebars with
both hands.

I'm sure in this wide net-world, there is someone who could
give me some helpful advice.

--
                     -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet --
   -- Funniest postings from USENET, altnet, and the worlds beyond --
          -- Moderator's address: [e-mail] --
==========
Date:         Sat, 2 Oct 1993 18:24:54 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The English are so nice

THE ENGLISH ARE SO NICE

The English are so nice
so awfully nice
they are the nicest people in the world.
And what's more, they're very nice about being nice
abour your being nice as well!
If you're not nice they soon make you feel it.

Americans and French and Germans and so on
they're all very well
but they're not really nice, you know.
They're are not nice in our sense of the word, are they now?

That's why one doesn't have to take them seriously.
We must be nice to them, of course,
of course, naturally.
But it doesn't really matter what you say to them,
they don't really understand
you can just say anything to them:
be nice, you know, just nice
but you must never take them seriously, they wouldn't understand,
just be nice you know, oh, fairly nice,
but not too nice of course, they take advantage
but nice enough, just nice enough
to let them feel they're not quite as nice as they might be.

D.H. Lawrence

  Burkhard Leuschner
  Paedagogische Hochschule,  Schwaebisch Gmuend,  Germany
  [e-mail]  Leuschne@dulruu51
==========
Date:         Sat, 2 Oct 1993 15:04:51 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Old folks and oral sex <CRUDE>

I got this wonderful piece of humor from the usually staid WHIM list:


Thu, 23 Sep 1993 23:54:12 -0400
"WHIM - a discussion list for Humour Studies <[e-mail]>
Stephen Robinson Kutner <[e-mail]>

Marvin and Sadie are an old couple who live happily together. Then one
day, Sadie gets sick and has to go to the hospital. After months of
treatment and tests, they determine that she has something terminal.
As her time draws near, Marvin comes up to her and asks "Sadie, dearest,
I know it's almost your time to pass on. Is there ANYTHING at all I can
do for you?"

"Marvie," Sadie whispers, half-audibly, "I want you should go down on me..."

"Go do-- But Sadie! This is a public place! And besides, that's..."

"Please, Marv. It's my last request. Go down on me."

So finally he does it, and it's wonderful for Sadie. The next day, she
begins to make a miraculous recovery. Soon she is looking and feeling
better than she has in months. The hospital releases her, and as
Marvin is wheeling her to the exit, he slaps himself on the forehead.
"Oh!" he exclaims, "If only I'd known, I could have saved Mama!"
==========
Date:         Sat, 2 Oct 1993 23:20:00 EDT
From:         "Val.Meyers" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Racist, Crude

Two stolen jokes from VH-1 standup comedy programs....


1)  Did you hear that Disney is building a Disneyland in Tokyo?  The Japanese
aren't excited about it though, because no one is tall enough for the really
good rides.

2)  My mother joined a service organization recently.  It's called DAM --
Mothers Against Dyslexia.
==========
Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 10:19:54 GMT+10
From:         BARREL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      very crude rated r

here's a little lymeric for ya trend setters

there was a young man with a hat
who cracked a gynormus great fat
stuck it up his mates bum
and decided to cum
and spurt it all over his back

i hope it didn't offend but my mates thought it was good

                                              barrel
==========
Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 15:24:37 GMT+10
From:         Brent Pocock <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Some Aussie Humor

Q. Why Do Aussie Arobic Instructors Where leotards when doing the splits?
A. So They Dont Stick To The Floor!
==========
Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 03:10:43 CDT
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Mike Boswell Mfg 4-6881 ~BHOSVWZ#097"
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: thoughts on lawyers

Reply to Mike Weinstein-thoughts on lawyers.
Mike;
Spoken as a True Lawyer, but please dont hit those trees as you walk
thru the forest of life, you can't sue God. Mike B.
==========
Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:58:00 +0200
From:         Robert Werman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      SOUTH-MAY-BE-OFFENSIVE

Two OTHER redneck offerings, attributed to
the comedian Jeff Foxworthy on the radio.

You are a redneck if:

  If a bugzapper and a sixpack is your idea of quality entertainment.

  If you have ever had to climb a water tower with a can of whitewash
     to defend your sister's honor.

And, speaking of oldies but goodies, do you remember the story of
Opium Jones?

   First day of class in a rural Southern school. Teacher is calling
role: "Billy Adams." "Here." "Susie Brown." "Here." She comes to
"Opium Jones" and gasps.
  "Boy," she says, "what you name?"
  "Opium Jones!" he says proudly.
  "Boy," she says, "you go fetch yo' mammy to come see me."
  The mother arrives.
  "This boy say his name is Opium Jones," the teacher says.
   "That's right," the mother says. "That's what we named him."
  "But don't you know opium is a dope?" the teacher says.
  "I sure do," the mother replies.
  "No no no, that's not what I meant," the teacher says. "I mean,
opium is illegal."
  "Uh-huh," the mother says.
  "No no," the teacher says. "What I mean is, opium is a seed what
come from a white poppy."
  "You hit the nail right on the head!" says the mother.
==========
Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 07:10:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      computer dictionary  - part 4 of 9

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

GENERAL PURPOSE COMPUTER:  A computer not terribly good at anything one
thing in particular.
GIGO:  'Garbage In-Garbage Out'.  Normal result of most computer
programming.
GLITCH:  A bug with ambitions.
HANDSHAKING:  Symtom of too much programming.  Most commonly seen among
programmers who have just had their program erased by power fluctuations
before they saved their program to disk.
HARD COPY:  Cheating during a well monitored test.
HEXADECIMAL:  Unlucky numbers used in computers.
HIGH RESOLUTION: A law passed in Denver.

be seeing you,

oxo
==========
Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:07:37 +0100
From:         Marco Cucinato <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lazarus
Sorry for my lexical errors...

Here's the joke:

Lazarus meets a friend and they start talking.

friend:  Hey, Lazarus! Are you sure to be ok? You seem so tired!
Lazarus: Oh, let it be! I'm alive by a miracle!
==========
Date:         Sat, 4 Oct 1919 93:10:00 LCL
From:         "Bruce A. Brown" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      R- Rated

  Q: What do you have if you are holding a green ball in each hand?
  A: Kermit The Frog's undivided attention.

Bruce Brown
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:17:19 EST

From:         Lynne Seamans <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Joke, rated 'G' maybe a little 'stereo-typical' and

                definitely better out loud!

One day this factory foreman hired 3 guys - a Polish fellow named
'Stosh', a black guy named 'Calvin' and a Chinese man named 'Ling'.

When it came to handing out work assignments, he said "Stosh, you
take care of that machine over there.  Make sure it has proper
materials going it at all times and inspect each finished piece
coming out".  Handing Calvin a broom, he said "Calvin, make sure
this place is clean at all times.  Sweep up anything that falls
on the floor."

So Ling asked what HE was supposed to do and the foreman said
"You're in charge of supplies" and went back to his office.

A little while later, he emerged from behind his desk to see
how his new charges were doing.  Stosh was busily tending his
machine and Calvin was sweeping up every piece of litter in
sight.  But he did not see Ling anywhere.  He went back to the
warehouse - no Ling.  He checked the receiving area - no Ling!
He even went into the men's room - still no Ling!!  In desperation
he was going back to his office to call personnel to inform
them he had 'lost' a new employee when out from behind a stack
of boxes jumped Ling yelling...

         "Suplize!"
==========
Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:39:00 EDT
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Book Jokes

OK, let's try some famous books NEVER written.
"Over the Mountain Top" by Hugo First
"The Yellow River" by I. P. Daily
"50 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willy Makit, Illustrated by Betty Wont
"The Numbers Game" by Cal Q. Later
"The Nudist Colony" by Ceymor Hair
"The Nude Beach" by Ceymor Skin
"Chineese Castration" by Won Hung Lo
"Peeping Tom" by I. C. Ewe
I'm sure there are more. Please continue this thread.

*****Warning Warning Warning***** S I C K  J O K E S  B E L O W

Maybe you could also send those infamous Helen Keller jokes, like:
Why were Helen Keller's legs yellow? Her dog was blind too.
How did Helen Keller burn her right ear? She answered the iron. How did she
burn here left ear? They called back.
How did Helen Keller go crazy? She tried to read a stucco wall.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? The rearranged the furniture.
How did Helen Keller burn her right hand? She tried to read a waffle iron. How
did Helen Keller burn her left hand? The waffle iron had another page.
Well, I told you they were sick. Let's hear more.
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